All I Wanted was a Pepsi

So there I was, in the kitchen trying to get two Pepsis my wife had put in the freezer for us 15 minutes earlier. She had warned me that one was probably going to fall out and I should be careful but did I listen? Nope. In fact, her warning totally went under my radar until I saw the blurry blue cylinder dropping towards my feet.

The very same second I heard the thump of the can hitting the ground, I was blinded by the sweet, sticky beverage which had wisely used it's first strike to take out my sight. Standing there with eyes closed, I felt a cool swath across both knees and thought, "Oh crap, this isn't over." Straining to see, I caught a glimpse of the can and the three Pepsi streams it had shooting in three different directions. Also, I knew that with my impaired vision I couldn't be sure, but the can appeared to be break-dancing.

After cleansing my eyes as thoroughly as one possibly can with the back of one's hand in .5 seconds, I dropped to the ground and apprehended the rogue Pepsi. After putting a halt to the spinning nonsense, I cupped my hand over the "business end" of my newly discovered enemy and ran it to the sink, where I learned that 50% of the content was still intact. The other 50% I discovered was evenly spread throughout the bathroom and kitchen. The whole incident took all of 3 seconds, but I spent the next 3 minutes assessing the casualties. The more places I looked, the more teeny tiny Pepsi spots I discovered. Ground zero had a diameter of 15 feet, and would have been even larger if we had a bigger kitchen.

All I wanted was a Pepsi.

My new favorite song

You know this is good if it brought me out of my blogging semi-retirement. Thank you, hip new band Owl City, for making dental care almost cool. Thank you very much.



Lyrics, for your reading pleasure:

I brush my teeth
And look in the mirror
And laugh out loud
As I'm beaming from ear to ear

I'd rather pick flowers
Instead of fight
And rather than flaunt my style
I'd flash you a smile
Of clean pearly whites

I've been to the dentist
A thousand times, so I know the drill
I smooth my hair, sit back in the chair
But somehow I still get the chills

Have a seat
He says pleasantly
As he shakes my hand
And practically laughs at me

Open up nice and wide
He says, peering in
And with a smirk he says,
"Don't have a fit, this'll just pinch a bit"
As he tries not to grin

When hygienists leave on long vacations
That's when dentists scream and lose their patience

Talking only brings the toothaches on
Because I say the stupidest things
So if my resolve goes south
I'll swallow my pride with an aspirin
And shut my mouth

Golf and alcohol don't mix
And that's why I don't drink and drive
Because, good grief, I'd knock out my teeth
And hafta kiss my smile goodbye

I've been to the dentist
A thousand times, so I know the drill
I smooth my hair, sit back in the chair
But somehow I still get the chills

Cool Guys don't Look at Explosions

If you have not yet seen the sweet new Andy Samberg/Will Ferrell Music video, check it out:



As I walked home from school today, I felt like a cool guy. Not because the school exploded, but because I reached 1850 - the clinical point requirement for graduating. I'm hoping I have that feeling again in a couple weeks after I take the regional board exam.

I'm 27, why do you ask?

There are two things I've been spending my time on lately that are worth sharing with the world.

First, Trackmania nations. Go there and download the free game found on the upper right side. It's half of a gigabyte so the download might take a few minutes, but it's totally worth it.

The game has a really fast learning curve. You race cars using the four arrow buttons on your keyboard - that's the only instruction you'll ever need for this game. Even though it's so simple, it is super addictive because you are always improving. I'm currently ranked 244,212th in the world (613th in California).

When you create your account, add me (dentalninja) to your buddies list then you can see when I'm online and join in the same races I'm doing. Six of my dental school friends are on my buddies list.

Here's a couple screenshots I just took to give you a sneak peek:


My son likes to watch and point out whenever there's a blimp.


The second thing I feel obligated to share is adultheelysshoes.com. Earlier this week I got a killer deal on my very own pair of Heelys. The website is run by a friend of a friend who has a huge warehouse full of them in Idaho. He orders very large quantities and is thus able to sell them for cheaper than what people pay on ebay.

I wore them to school on Friday but didn't dare put the wheels in while working on the clinic. Maybe one of these days right before I'm outta here I'll be brave enough to cruise around the clinic floor all dentisty-looking in my scrubs, gloves, mask and dental loupes! For now, I'll just be content to cruise around in the lower level of the dental school where the linoleum floors satisfy my NEED for SPEED!

For those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about, here's a video of Brett Favre demonstrating how to ride Heelys. At the airport. Without pants. As cool as the "Heely Dentist" sounds, Brett has set the bar pretty high. I'm glad to see he's enjoying his retirement.

C'mon spellchecker, really?

After writing all about ninjavitis on my other blog, I just wanted to shoot a quick email to the guy whose comic I used and I must have had writer's fatigue or something because I seriously had to ask my wife how to spell "put" as in, "put the red line under the misspelled word."

Spell checker, you were just messing with me, weren't you:


Yeah, that's right, I was trying to say "I pew the story up" or "I poo the story up." Thanks for keeping me on my toes anyway, spellchecker.
P.S. I've noticed you still don't recognize "Obama" and would like to replace him with "Obadiah." You must be part of the extreme "religious right" I'm always reading about.

Books should be free

Lately I've been re-discovering my love of audio books. Several years ago when I had a job that required me to be all by myself in the middle of nowhere for 8 hours at a time, I found that my library card and a $5 cassette player were great company. The fact that I also had a 4-wheeler and a truck with endless muddy marshes to explore made me happy as a clam. When I tell people I used to work in mosquito control, they never realize what an awesome job that was.

Anyway, since Jordan loves playing in the park we try to get there on a daily basis. Initially I would always bring a book but found it distracting to constantly be looking up to check on him, so I broke out the ipod and finished listening to "Angels and Demons." When that was done, I stumbled across the site booksshouldbefree.com which has free mp3 downloads of classic books that are now in the public domain. The good part? They're free. The downside? They're done by people like you and me instead of professional narrators, so you have an occasional chapter that's really tough to pay attention to.

Just in the past few weeks I've found all kinds of time to "read" while I walk to school, do lab work, and of course while I swim! I've cruised through "The Island of Dr. Moreau," "The Art of War," and I was about to finish "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" last night when a massive cramp in my right leg cut my swim a little short.

Next up in the queue is "Treasure Island" and "The Man who knew Too Much." I'd appreciate any recommendations from that site or if you happen to know of any other quality free audio book sites let me know!

Of blimps and tanks

Recently I conducted a poll regarding which of these two super awesome vehicles you would rather own. I took this poll because I'm not entirely sure how I feel, and someday if I'm ever offered a blimp or a tank, I'd like to have a well-thought-out answer. You probably should too.

This all started several years ago when I realized I wanted a tank and a large area of otherwise useless land on which I could go tanking. Lately, however, my son has me thinking that maybe our future hypothetical wealth could be better invested in a blimp. (Don't ask me why in this fantasy I have enough money for one or the other but not both, that's not the point.) The kid is obsessed with blimps, and if you manage to get him chatting he's likely to tell you all about the blimp crash. "Huge... blimp... pop.... .crash.... happen.... fire..." all with a very enthusiastic expression. He's only witnessed this event in his bedtime stories - which are often guided by his interjecting ideas to help the plot progress. Recurring themes include blimps, waterfalls, pirates, Jessie, and basketball.

Back to my dilemma. Do I dream about someday being able to squash sage brush while firing my tank-bombs at unsuspecting rocks? Or would I be wiser to spend a day leisurely drifting along with the clouds while reading a book and sipping lemonade? Here are the original poll results:


Seems like blimps win, right? Not so fast. Since the results were so close I used an old trick to keep the contest going. I made a facebook page for blimps and a facebook page for tanks, and I launched them at the same time without personally becoming a fan or letting anybody know about them. It was interesting to see them compete. Blimps jumped out to a very early lead with one or two fans who didn't stay long. Then they stayed at one or two and have slowly risen to six. Tanks, on the other hand, didn't have any fans until very recently, but in a matter of a couple weeks the fan base has grown to 18.

By now you probably have a preference in the great blimps vs. tanks debate. If not, I urge you to decide now before you jump into the very lively and heated debate that is sure to take place in the comments section below. Seriously, I want to know which you would choose and why.

The Internet just got a little bit cooler

(you click on the little gray square next to the decision you want to make.)

Happy Birthday to my Blog!

That's right! March 23rd, 2008, I started this little operation with a few explanations. Here are some other noteworthy things to happen on March 23rd:

• "Give me liberty or give me death!" Patrick Henry uttered this phrase in in 1775.
• Lewis and Clark turned around and began the trip home in 1806.
• The first version of the modern elevator (the safety elevator) was installed in NYC in 1857.
• The University of California was founded in 1868.
• The Wright Brothers applied for a patent on one of the first successful versions of the airplane in 1903.
  
• Benito Mussolini founded Fascism in 1919.
• Adolf Hitler officially became dictator of Germany in 1933.
• Jason Kidd was born in 1973.
  
• Mexican presidential candidate Luis Donoldo Colosio was assasinated in 1994.
• The first major conflict in Operation Iraqi Freedom happened in 2003.
• And finally, I'd like to think that someday wikipedia will also state, "Benji's Blog was launched in 2008."

Also, Poland and Hungary observe the day of Hungarian-Polish Friendship.

The Spoonful of Cinnamon Challenge

This week I tried Cinnamon Life cereal for the first time. I couldn't stand it! I've only mentioned this to a couple people but so far seem to be alone in my opinion. This may have to do with an experience I had a few years back - an experience worth sharing. Indeed, an experience that could save your life.

The time was summer 2002, the place was my friend's basement. A younger and thinner Benji was still a little disoriented due to his recent return from a two-year stint preaching the good word in a far away land. While sitting around wondering what to do with our evening, one of my buddies mentioned that he had heard somewhere that it is impossible to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. None of us had ever seen it done and he didn't know what the difficulty was, just that it couldn't be done.

I immediately jumped on the challenge. Perhaps it was because after two years of losing myself in a work that can best be described and challenging and intense, but above all rewarding, I felt I needed a little excitement in my new life. Indeed, at the time I identified with Tommy Lee Jones' character in Men in Black II, where he trades his life of saving the galaxy from aliens to being a postmaster in a quiet town.

Whatever the reason, we quickly drew up the terms. I had to place the spoonful in my mouth, say aloud the word "cinnamon" three times, and then swallow it. If I were successful in said task, everyone present agreed to carry me around everywhere we went that night! (This might be an appropriate time to introduce my theory that small towns produce creative minds.)

So there I was, large spoonful of cinnamon in hand, emergency glass of water nearby, determined to will the cinnamon down my throat. I placed it in my mouth and, not surprisingly, was overwhelmed with the taste of cinnamon. This I had anticipated so it didn't phase me. What caught me by surprise was the almost instant change in the environment of my oral cavity. Instead of the dark, moist food-softening compartment I was used to, the inside of my lower face became a dry, arid, desert wasteland - completely bereft of even a hint of humidity.

I spoke my first "cinnamon" and saw a little brown poof come out of my mouth as I spoke. I felt like some sort of dorky cinnamon dragon-boy. I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of my words being visible, and as I let out a little chuckle I discovered that my laughter was even larger and more visible than the word cinnamon. Thus ensued the positive feedback mechanism of me finding humor in my own laughter and creating bigger and bigger brown cinnamon clouds with each burst.

The cycle finally broke about two seconds later. Completely oblivious to my impending doom, I drew the breath I expected would enable me to continue my verbal quest of glory. I found instead that the air which now filled my trachea, bronchioles, and alveoli, contained a very generous portion of cinnamon, and that they were designed for no such thing. I experienced an urgency known only to those who at some point have found themselves thinking, "Wait a second, I can't breathe."

I quickly began assessing options and realized how inadequate my emergency glass of water was. I ran to the sink and turned on the faucet and coughed as violently as anybody has ever coughed in the history of the world. My friends ran to my side - not to assist me but to inform me that the dirty sink water wasn't for drinking, that's why we'd poured a glass of special drinking water from the fridge. They must have thought I'd somehow forgotten that information in the one minute that passed since we went over it.

I can't blame them too much, though. Seeing as how I had temporarily lost my ability to communicate with the outside world, they couldn't have known that I wasn't just a little thirsty from all the cinnamon, but was actually trying to remove my lungs and turn them inside out so I could give them a good scrubbing and put them back where they go. The next few minutes consisted of coughing at the sink, occasionally inhaling a little water and coughing it back up in hopes that it would do some internal scrubbing, and gasping "can't....breathe..." so everyone felt like they were in the loop.

Bless their hearts, later that evening my friends carried me around to a few places even though I had failed. The next morning when I woke up I tasted cinnamon. Every time I blew my nose for several days, I smelt cinnamon. Several months later when I poured myself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I remembered the taste of my near-death experience. Now that several years have gone by I've learned to tolerate and even enjoy the occasional cinnamon treat, but I think I have a valid reason if I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy Cinnamon Life. I've already tried Cinnamon Death.

These guys should go to Loma Linda University

Allow me to explain why, in pictures:







They're good at making manholes!

Do Birds Blink?

This week I got my first issue of Montana Outdoors. I was given the subscription by my dad for Christmas. Within minutes of opening it I learned something I had never thought about. I'm passing along this tidbit in it's entirety for your enjoyment:

Q. Do birds blink?
A. Yes, says Krisit Dubious, FWP native species coordinator in Missoula, but not quite the same way humans do. Birds have an extra eyelid, a transparent membrane that lets them blink without closing their eyes. This "nictitating" membrane helps keep a bird's eyes moist without blocking vision during flight. Birds usually close their main eyelids only when asleep.

Who knew?

At what point will they stop calling it "News"?

Begin Rant

Is the local Fox News this ridiculous everywhere, or just L.A.? Seriously, a music video promoting the news? Sassy. Silly. Sharp. Sexy. Spot on. Addictive. Vibrant. Excited. Brash. So Dirty. So Fine. Which of these would you like to describe the program that is supposed to give you information about what's going on in the world? I'd argue that words like "accurate, reliable, timely, informative, true" would be better suited for a music video about the news, but then I'd remember that it's the L.A. area local fox news so I'd change the whole song to "I hope there's a car chase tonight so I can watch the bad guys get pummeled and tazed" - which is really the coolest thing about the news here.

It's always interesting to compare the local news programming in L.A., where all the celebrities are local, with that in Washington D.C. where politicians are local. Sometimes Washington seems like a breath of fresh air.

Seriously, try watching this video again but picturing the likes of Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams. During "The Simpsons" this week I've seen the video several times, so I've had the chance to do it. It's kind of funny.

End Rant.

Everything's amazing, nobody's happy

Oh shoot. Embedding is disabled. I'll have to direct you to youtube to watch it here.

Just had to share this. I saw this today at lunch and it made me laugh so hard! Enjoy.

Introducing the 10-word movie review. Happy Oscar Night!

For those of you who don't live in the L.A. area, it really is a big deal around here. I had to laugh when I was new here a few years ago and the evening news signed off by wishing me a happy Oscar Weekend. Melissa and I decided to really get into it this year and we've filled out our Oscar picks. Move over March Madness.

I thought it would be fitting for tonight's blog post to review the movies I've seen lately. I'm actually a little behind and have 19 movies to do, so to keep it interesting I'm restricting all my reviews to 10 words. That should be enough to let you know how I felt about each film. If you'd like me to elaborate just say the word!

It is worth noting, in true Oscar fashion, that I am wearing a "VF Imagewear" Philadelphia Eagles t-shirt and a pair of "Finish Line Athletics 365" basketball shorts. This outfit was really a fabulous choice for me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my reviews:

Australia
Well done but too long. Would be better as miniseries.

Serenity
Good movie, better TV show. Watch "Firefly" for free here.

Wanted (edited)
Like a superhero movie but not. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Valkerie
Like watching favorite team lose close one to bitter rivals.

Traitor
FBI vs. Terrorists from terrorist point of view. Really good.

Tropic Thunder (edited)
Offensive and wrong but I couldn't stop laughing. Nicely done.

Burn After Reading (edited)
Disappointment. Expected more from such big names. Wasn't very funny.

I am Legend
Will make you jump. Can't go wrong with Will Smith.

The X-files: I want to believe
Wondering if it was this crappy when I was younger.

Swimfan
Free on hulu. Better than expected. Thought of better ending.

Max Payne
Don't give up. Gets really good after a certain point.

Ghost Town
Funny Dentist movie I would recommend to just about anybody.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
I must be old. Asking where parents were. Darn kids.

Lars and the Real Girl
Really weird. Melissa shared my thoughts on her blog here.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Dogs wear people clothes. Glad I fell asleep on plane.

Taken
Holy cow, this movie was freaking awesome! Intense and violent.

Lakeview Terrace
Like "Meet the Parents" but drama, not comedy. Somewhat irritating.

Smokejumper
Laughed so hard, but not supposed to be funny. Fail.

Henry Poole is Here
Redbox description was wrong. Made boring and stupid movie confusing.

Benji's Blog Movie Review Archive

Too funny not to share

On the flight home from Washington I was watching Comedy Central and was introduced to this comic genius! This is his best bit that I found on YouTube. Seriously I love his style.

House of Representatives Fun Fact

I just returned from my third and final trip to Washington to lobby on behalf of my dental school. I worked on some important issues and did some sight-seeing, but I'm not going to bore you here with all the little details. I will, however, share with you what I thought was the coolest "tour-guide" moment of the trip.

After our first appointment with a congressman, my fellow "legislative liaison" and I had a couple hours to wait so we went to the House Chamber in hopes of seeing some of the debate regarding the stimulus package. When we got there we had just barely missed seeing the action because they had recessed for lunch, but we were informed that the pressing matter they had been discussing was whether or not to congratulate the Pittsburgh Steelers on their Super Bowl victory. Nice work boys.

Since there wasn't anything going on, I struck up a conversation with the security guard and asked him if he had any cool stories or information that most people wouldn't know about the room. He shared with us his version of the United States Capitol Shooting Incident in 1954, although the wikipedia version is slightly different[citation needed].

The gist of it is that in 1954 some Peurto Rican Nationalists smuggled weapons into the House Chambers. They were supposedly there as a film crew, but it turns out they had weapons in the bags, not camera equipment! Oh Snap! Six congressmen were injured (wikipedia says 5) but nobody was killed. The interesting part is that they never fixed two of the bullet holes in the room. One can be seen in the ceiling just a few feet from the huge stained glass decorative thingy. Since cameras aren't allowed in the chamber and I haven't been able to find an image on the interwebs, I'm just going to ask you to picture a little hole in a ceiling. That's pretty much what it looks like. Neat-o, huh? Ok you can stop picturing it now.

The other went through a desk and drawer. They repaired the desk and it's noticeable where the stain on the wood is a little bit lighter. They never repaired the desk drawer. Here's the approximate location of the flaw in the desk:


I asked the guy why they never repaired the holes and he shrugged his shoulders and explained that there wasn't any structural damage done so there was no need to repair them. What did I gain from this experience? The desire to write my name in the ceiling of the House Chamber with an Uzi - avoiding any structural damage, of course.

Quick thoughts from DC

Last night around 11:00 I found myself in front of Barack Obama's house. There wasn't a lot going on so I struck up a conversation with the security guard hoping he might have some cool stories for me. I was disappointed. He had only been working there for a year and during his shifts things generally stayed calm. He did share with me, however, something that always makes him chuckle. From time to time, someone will approach him and say, "excuse me, I don't speak very good english. Could you tell me where the White House is?"

It's right there.

This story probaby has a better effect if I tell it to you right smack in fron of the White House.

I have a few other stories to share from my DC trip but don't have enough time right now to do them justice, so, stay tuned.

The Coolest Shirt in the World

Last night my lovely wife and I got together with a large group of dental students and spouses to play "The Newlywed Game." While we didn't win, I was sure proud of us on several questions where our answers were a little out there but we had exact matches. Twice, we both wrote "The coolest shirt in the world" as the answer. The questions were, "What is your husband's most prized possession?" and "What is one article of clothing your wife wishes you would get rid of?"

Needless to say, we got a few funny looks and I decided it was time to tell the world the story of what has come to be know as "the coolest shirt in the world." This is that story.

So there we were one afternoon, looking for some great finds at the local Goodwill. The shirt was displayed on the front of its rack for all to see. It caught my eye and seemed to be calling my name, beckoning me to try it on. I took it to the dressing room and found it to be a little big, but surprisingly comfortable. One glance in the mirror and I knew the shirt was to be mine.

I walked out to show my wife, hoping against hope that she would be as excited as I was, but was disappointed to learn something new about my wife of over 2 years: she possessed virtually no fashion sense. She told me it was hideous and that she would never let me wear it.

It was time to weigh my options. If I made the purchase I would be out $4 for a shirt I could never wear. On the other hand, if I walked away there is a good chance I would spend my life wondering about the shirt that got away - indeed, the coolest shirt in the world. It was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made.

I took it to the counter and handed over four dollar bills while the nice Hispanic gentleman rung it up. In his thick accent he shared with me his lamentation that, as a Goodwill employee, he was not allowed to buy the shirt - otherwise he would have done so earlier that day. I knew it! The reassurance I had failed to receive from my wife was given to me by this international fashion expert, who was formerly a high-end clothing designer in his home country but had to settle for a job in retail when he came to this land in search of freedom. He didn't say any of that, but you could kind of tell by looking at him.

Naturally I was a little curious as to the origins of the shirt, as well as what mysterious message was written on the side in what I presumed to be Korean characters, so when I got home I googled the brand name on the tag, "Solo Loco, animated." What did 15 minutes of google searching tell me? Absolutely nothing. Whoever made this shirt had no internet presence. That's when it hit me - this was no ordinary peasant shirt that you can simply "google" at will. This shirt is special, and although the origins of this shirt may forever remain a mystery, the super-natural powers bestowed upon the wearer of this shirt will have to wait until my wife decides to lift her ban on the coolest shirt in the world.

Here are a few pictures of me modeling the coolest shirt in the world:





I know what you're thinking. As handsome as I am, I don't really do the shirt justice. That's why I took the liberty to photoshop this image of the coolest shirt in the world wearing ITSELF, thereby making this the coolest picture in the universe!


It's like staring into eternity.

Lastly, I need your help. I need everyone to become a fan of "The Coolest Shirt in the World" on Facebook. If the page gets 200 fans, my wife has agreed to lift the ban on the Coolest Shirt in the World. Every fan counts.

Funny News Bloopers

Melissa and I were totally cracking up watching news bloopers the other night. Here are our favorite gems, beginning with this one that just happened this week:

This one is only funny in the first 20 seconds, after that they just make fun of her a little. A perfect example of the media trying to make the news bigger than it really is:

You might want to keep your kids away from this weatherman:

This guy has a contagious laugh:

Here's another good one:

The runner-up for my favorite:

And finally, this one which is definitely my favorite. Worth watching a couple times to see the co-anchor's reaction:

My Super Thoughts

Some thoughts from the super bowl:

• Remember when beer commercials were funny?
  
• James Harrison might miss the first couple of pre-season games next year because he's still catching his breath from that 100-yard interception return. Actually I hope he gets suspended for the first two regular season games because of his cheap shot on Aaron Francisco. What a jerk.
  
• Anyone else hear Al Michaels say "Yes he can!" refering to a wide receiver's efforts to get the first down? You can't escape the Obamamania.
  
• G.I. Joe movie? Awesome! Another Transformers movie? Ok.
• I've seen lots of people getting hit by buses lately. Twice in a movie I just watched, once in the Doritos commercial, once in the Jack-in-the-Box commercial, and a few times in the commercial for the next episode of "Chuck." (Get it? That scene where Jerome Bettis levels him? Jerome Bettis was nicknamed "the Bus"). I don't know about you, but I'm watching out for buses.
  
• Can we young 'uns have another chance at a halftime show? The last lineup that would have appealed to anyone younger than 30 was 5 years ago with Jessica Simpson, Nelly, P. Diddy, Kid Rock, and let's not forget Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson. Since the infamous wardrobe malfunction, we've seen Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty, and now Bruce Springsteen. Booooooorrrrring.
  
• The one commercial that made me laugh was MacGruber becoming PepsGruber, but I think you need to be an SNL junkie like me to appreciate it.
• I would like to have seen the Cardinals win, but I really don't have any strong feelings for or against either team.
• Free Grand Slam at Denny's next Tuesday from 6:00 AM to 2:00 PM. Awesome.
  
• What is up with not showing the blimp??? I had to write that in behalf of my son, Jordan. That was the only part of the game the 21-month-old was looking forward to. Incidentally, he learned the word "dangit" from me during the Super Bowl. I guess it could be worse.
  
• I wish the Cardinals had gone with the same helmet design as the Philadelphia Eagles, so everyone could see what a wussy mascot the cardinal really is:

Horny Change

With all the talk about "change this" and "Obama that" we've been hearing about lately, I haven't heard anyone mention something I think needs changing. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard anyone mention my killer idea. The change I'd like to see this year is in the auto industry. As long as we're making efforts to go green and become safer and all that, why not offer the driver more options for honking his horn? Seriously, for how many years have we been given only one choice?

Hear me out. How many times have you been driving and have seen someone you know and you wanted to honk to get their attention so you could give a friendly Hello, but you didn't honk because there were other cars around and you were worried they would think you were honking at them? Or perhaps you went ahead and honked, and then felt like a fool when your friend kept walking but you noticed the driver in front of you check his rear-view mirror, and you weren't quite sure but you think based on what you saw of his eyes, he was mad at you. Perhaps he looked a little crazy.
It's really a simple solution: two horn sounds. One is a friendly horn, the other is an angry horn. Keep the angry horn in the middle so it's easily accessible if you need to warn someone of their impending doom, and put the friendly one on the ceiling - after all, if you're about to wave your hand will be in the air anyway, right?

Both horns should also have an option of aiming the sound. I'll let the auto industry figure that one out. Yes we can.

The Future is Now - Finis Swimp3v2 product review

Aside from being a hectic week at school, this week brought some good news and welcome changes. Specifically, my swimming pool opened up after being closed for cleaning since early December. (It still looks dirty, but at least it's open so I'm not complaining).


Also, a belated Christmas present arrived in the mail and I got to go try it out. I'd like to introduce you to the Finis Swimp3 - the mp3 player for swimmers.


I didn't think such an awesome thing existed and I always told myself that sometime in the future they would invent some sort of waterproof headphones. Ladies and Gentlemen, the future is here. Before decideing on this model I researched a few different options. For example, there is a company that can waterproof your ipod for about the same price as the swimp3v2, but the online reviews I read weren't very positive. The Swimp3v2 works better in water because the sound doesn't go through your external auditory meadus (fancy word for ear-hole), but instead it sends the sound vibrations into your cheek bones and they pass it along to your eardrum. Every review I read online about this product seemed positive. During my maiden voyage I was really impressed with several things:

First, it was extremely easy to use. You just plug it into a USB port and drag the mp3 tracks into the folder. That's it. There is optional free software from the company website to help manage your media, but I didn't really find it necessary. There are three little buttons to use while swimming and they allow you to skip forward/backward, adjust the volume, pause, shuffle, and turn on or off.

Second, it worked. The sound quality wasn't superb but it was pretty good, and considering that I was swimming laps I'd say it was downright amazing. I would compare the quality of sound to having a small stereo system across the room. When I was listening to my rap music the bass wasn't incredibly powerful, and when I was listening to an LDS general conference talk I missed one or two words every couple of minutes but it was good enough for me to follow along. I even lost track of my lap count and just swam until I was tired! That is so much better than just staring at the bottom of the pool counting and thinking for an hour. (And yes, my playlist has a little variety to it).

Third, the design of the Swimp3 made it so I didn't even realize it was there. It looks a little weird but while I was swimming it didn't add any resistance or pull on the goggles at all. I should also point out that while I was doing the breast stroke (where your whole head is underwater and then above water) I noticed that the sound quality was much better underwater. How 'bout that?

With the Swimp3, you too could look this good:

Update: After reading some more reviews, I feel it would be helpful to remind you that you need earplugs while you use this or it won't work very well. Most serious swimmers swim with either a swim-cap or earplugs anyway, but if you're new to the sport, now you know.

"Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation

That's the answer. The question is one you've probably asked yourself if you've watched football regularly the past several years, and it goes like this:

What's that one song they play in the stadiums? It goes like this, "Dah nuh na na nuh, da na na na na nuh na na na na na na nuh."

Because googling those lyrics is pretty much fruitless, I found the answer by simply asking everyone around me any time I ever heard it. After over two years someone finally had the answer. Sort of. He didn't know off the top of his head but he said he had it on his Ipod at home so I emailed him and he got back to me with this vital information.

The reason I decided to blog about it is because NOBODY knows this. Aside from the fact that it took me so long to figure it out, I recently saw a sports segment on the local news where they discussed the song and none of the news people had a clue what the song was.

Here's some trivia:

• The song is based on a small song called "Stardust," from a Commodore 64 game, found here.
• It was released in 1999 when it became an underground hit in European clubs, but you can credit the Wake Forest Men's Basketball program for popularizing it when they played it on February 13th, 2003, and beat Duke in double overtime. (I guess it worked).
• Most people mistakenly call the song "Zombie Nation," probably because those are the only lyrics. Picture Bon Jovi releasing a hit where all they say is "Bon Jovi" over and over again. THAT is how cool this song is.
• "Kernkraft 400" is German for "Atomic Energy 400."
  

Lastly, here is the original music video, featuring a couple bikini girls in what appears to be an infomercial for both microwaves and tanning beds, hosted by a man who is quite obviously the coolest man on the planet:

Someday when I'm rich I will dress just like him every day.

The Haiku Rebel

ahem....

the haiku rebel
everyone follows the rules
except for this loose canon

Taking an Unpopular Stance

We like to have fun here at the Benji Blog, but every now and again it becomes imperative for me to voice my opinion on an important issue. What I'm writing about today is something that lies very near to my heart and, unfortunately, it's an opinion that none of even my closest family or friends share. I have yet to find even a single person in any of my social circles who feels the same way I do. I am truly alone in this world.

In an attempt to help you the reader see this issue my way, I first want to paint you a picture. Suppose you were the heir to a large sum of money and an empire at a young age. Suppose that your good looks and charisma had given you celebrity status - along with its fame and the ability to be easily recognized in a crowd. Try to think of people who might fit this description - perhaps Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump.

Now suppose that for whatever reason, you wanted to go about secretly doing good things and stopping bad things from happening. You are so driven by your cause that you even break the law from time to time. You are, in fact, a vigilante, so naturally you don't want anyone to recognize you. A disguise would only make sense. Picture that time that Tyra put on a fat suit and was appalled at how mean people were to her. (No, I don't watch Tyra, but I happened to see part of that one).

Ok, so there you are, a celebrity in disguise and a vigilante out to change the world, and it comes time for you to interact with someone. How are you going to talk? In your normal voice? The one that people know really well from all those times you've been on TV? Really? Good luck with that. You'll be outed in your first month.

Or, would you perhaps try to disguise your voice? If so, why not try to use a voice that somehow compliments what you are wearing?

Mad props to Christopher Nolan for making Batman yell every time he speaks, and mad props to Christian Bale for doing it. The Bat-Voice was exactly the way it should have been. Honestly, If I were suddenly grabbed by a great big bat-like person and instantly zipped to the top of a tall building, and then that man was growling at me - I wouldn't stop and think "Hey, that's just cheesy..." No, I'd probably pee my pants and so would you. At a time when adrenaline is pumping through your body and all your senses are heightened, the experience would be burned into your memory. Had Bruce Wayne used his normal voice, the next time you heard him on TV you would instantly know it.

One thing I learned in film school (which is what I call the film class I took in regular school) is that the true way to measure the quality of a movie is in its believability. The Bat-Voice makes the Bruce Wayne/Batman character seem more real and therefore more believable, whereas a regular voice would only make the scenario less plausible.


By the way, Christian Bale lost his voice three times during the filming of Batman Begins. That's dedication.

Introducing Crutch Boy: the Superhero with Crutches

At some point in every man's life, he needs to come up with his own original Superhero. This one is mine, loosely based on myself.


I first thought of this idea several years ago. For those of you who don't know me personally, I've been through a total of 5 knee surgeries. My condition is another story for another time, but suffice it to say it wasn't an injury and I currently have an important knee-part that used to belong to someone else. All but one of my surgeries required 6-8 weeks on crutches as well as a significant amount of time in physical therapy. At the age of 24, I had spent over 2% of my life on crutches.

Those of you who have had similar experiences can appreciate that crutches become an integral part of your life - almost an extension of you. They go with you everywhere you go, including your dreams. You learn to become an expert in using them not only for getting around, but for other things as well. On more than one occasion I've missed my crutches. One example is that with them I could easily reach the light switch from the bed. Without them I have to get up and take a few steps. This background should help you understand where I'm coming from with my superhero: Crutch Boy.

After jotting down my ideas, I quickly realized that I can't fit all the aspects of this hero into one post. For now I will introduce you to Crutch Boy's key feature: his crutches. You'll notice in the illustration above that with them, he can fly.

Here's a more detailed view of everything Crutch Boy's crutches allow him to do:



The colors are just for the illustration. They're actually much more discreet and look like any other set of crutches to the casual observer.

The two crutches are slightly different. Both are equipped with little rocket boosters that enable flight, as well as hollow chambers to store the jet fuel. The throttle is near the handle and responds roughly the same as the throttle on an ATV or dirt bike. Not just anybody can pick up these bad boys and fly - the control and balance require the upper body strength that only comes with having spent years walking around with crutches. Also, Crutch Boy has the option of using the jet fuel as a makeshift Rocket Propelled Grenade. He just has to swivel the end around so the rocket booster is facing him. He must use discretion in using this because once the RPG is gone, he obviously can't use that crutch for flying.

Both crutches also have a main weapon that fires a sort of souped-up tranquilizer. There isn't a needle - it works by blasting micro pellets into the skin like a shotgun to allow quicker absorption, but without doing any permanent damage. It instantly paralyzes the enemies (notice the irony) rendering them incapable of any movement for specified amount of time. One of the crutches also has a pop-out scope and is capable of firing long distance tranquilizer darts.

Both also have retractable claws. I'm sure they'll come in handy.

The main difference between the two crutches is the alternative weapon. One will be equipped with a compact version of the Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) and the other will have a mini Electro-Magnetic Pulse gun (EMP). Not sure what those are? Check out these videos from the Discovery Channel's "Future Weapons." Here is the LRAD demo and here is the EMP demo. Pretty flippin' sweet.

The LRAD (pronounced "el-rad") continues with the ironic weaponry theme. Set to a certain power, the noise becomes so excruciating that the enemy is forced to cover his ears with his hands, thus he essentially loses the use of his arms. This is also a really spiffy ninja weapon because it can cause sound waves to bounce of of nearby surfaces and thus Crutch Boy can confuse his enemy. It's like a really effective way of throwing your voice or any other sound effect. If you didn't click to watch the video, go back and do it because it's seriously awesome, as is just about everything else on the Discovery Channel.

I chose the EMP because it's 2009, and to be an effective thug, you need to have at least some technological savvy. Many of Crutch Boy's foes will rely on gadgets, and an EMP can disable any electronic gadget.

So there you have it! Stay tuned to learn more about Crutch Boy, including the story of his origin and a list of his arch-enemies. One of these days I'll even get around to writing specific episodes. Here are a few parting thoughts:

• Don't anybody steal my idea. All my blog followers are witnesses that I thought of it first.
  
• Feedback is welcome. Specifically, I don't really like the name "Crutch Boy" but I don't know what else to call him. Maybe the comments section can be a "name the Super-hero" contest. Winner gets a credit in the movie.
  
• If you couldn't already tell, I need an illustrator. This is an open invitation to anyone. Just contact me and we'll get to work on our first comic book. If not, I'll figure it out.