Horny Change

With all the talk about "change this" and "Obama that" we've been hearing about lately, I haven't heard anyone mention something I think needs changing. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard anyone mention my killer idea. The change I'd like to see this year is in the auto industry. As long as we're making efforts to go green and become safer and all that, why not offer the driver more options for honking his horn? Seriously, for how many years have we been given only one choice?

Hear me out. How many times have you been driving and have seen someone you know and you wanted to honk to get their attention so you could give a friendly Hello, but you didn't honk because there were other cars around and you were worried they would think you were honking at them? Or perhaps you went ahead and honked, and then felt like a fool when your friend kept walking but you noticed the driver in front of you check his rear-view mirror, and you weren't quite sure but you think based on what you saw of his eyes, he was mad at you. Perhaps he looked a little crazy.
It's really a simple solution: two horn sounds. One is a friendly horn, the other is an angry horn. Keep the angry horn in the middle so it's easily accessible if you need to warn someone of their impending doom, and put the friendly one on the ceiling - after all, if you're about to wave your hand will be in the air anyway, right?

Both horns should also have an option of aiming the sound. I'll let the auto industry figure that one out. Yes we can.

The Future is Now - Finis Swimp3v2 product review

Aside from being a hectic week at school, this week brought some good news and welcome changes. Specifically, my swimming pool opened up after being closed for cleaning since early December. (It still looks dirty, but at least it's open so I'm not complaining).


Also, a belated Christmas present arrived in the mail and I got to go try it out. I'd like to introduce you to the Finis Swimp3 - the mp3 player for swimmers.


I didn't think such an awesome thing existed and I always told myself that sometime in the future they would invent some sort of waterproof headphones. Ladies and Gentlemen, the future is here. Before decideing on this model I researched a few different options. For example, there is a company that can waterproof your ipod for about the same price as the swimp3v2, but the online reviews I read weren't very positive. The Swimp3v2 works better in water because the sound doesn't go through your external auditory meadus (fancy word for ear-hole), but instead it sends the sound vibrations into your cheek bones and they pass it along to your eardrum. Every review I read online about this product seemed positive. During my maiden voyage I was really impressed with several things:

First, it was extremely easy to use. You just plug it into a USB port and drag the mp3 tracks into the folder. That's it. There is optional free software from the company website to help manage your media, but I didn't really find it necessary. There are three little buttons to use while swimming and they allow you to skip forward/backward, adjust the volume, pause, shuffle, and turn on or off.

Second, it worked. The sound quality wasn't superb but it was pretty good, and considering that I was swimming laps I'd say it was downright amazing. I would compare the quality of sound to having a small stereo system across the room. When I was listening to my rap music the bass wasn't incredibly powerful, and when I was listening to an LDS general conference talk I missed one or two words every couple of minutes but it was good enough for me to follow along. I even lost track of my lap count and just swam until I was tired! That is so much better than just staring at the bottom of the pool counting and thinking for an hour. (And yes, my playlist has a little variety to it).

Third, the design of the Swimp3 made it so I didn't even realize it was there. It looks a little weird but while I was swimming it didn't add any resistance or pull on the goggles at all. I should also point out that while I was doing the breast stroke (where your whole head is underwater and then above water) I noticed that the sound quality was much better underwater. How 'bout that?

With the Swimp3, you too could look this good:

Update: After reading some more reviews, I feel it would be helpful to remind you that you need earplugs while you use this or it won't work very well. Most serious swimmers swim with either a swim-cap or earplugs anyway, but if you're new to the sport, now you know.

"Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation

That's the answer. The question is one you've probably asked yourself if you've watched football regularly the past several years, and it goes like this:

What's that one song they play in the stadiums? It goes like this, "Dah nuh na na nuh, da na na na na nuh na na na na na na nuh."

Because googling those lyrics is pretty much fruitless, I found the answer by simply asking everyone around me any time I ever heard it. After over two years someone finally had the answer. Sort of. He didn't know off the top of his head but he said he had it on his Ipod at home so I emailed him and he got back to me with this vital information.

The reason I decided to blog about it is because NOBODY knows this. Aside from the fact that it took me so long to figure it out, I recently saw a sports segment on the local news where they discussed the song and none of the news people had a clue what the song was.

Here's some trivia:

• The song is based on a small song called "Stardust," from a Commodore 64 game, found here.
• It was released in 1999 when it became an underground hit in European clubs, but you can credit the Wake Forest Men's Basketball program for popularizing it when they played it on February 13th, 2003, and beat Duke in double overtime. (I guess it worked).
• Most people mistakenly call the song "Zombie Nation," probably because those are the only lyrics. Picture Bon Jovi releasing a hit where all they say is "Bon Jovi" over and over again. THAT is how cool this song is.
• "Kernkraft 400" is German for "Atomic Energy 400."
  

Lastly, here is the original music video, featuring a couple bikini girls in what appears to be an infomercial for both microwaves and tanning beds, hosted by a man who is quite obviously the coolest man on the planet:

Someday when I'm rich I will dress just like him every day.

The Haiku Rebel

ahem....

the haiku rebel
everyone follows the rules
except for this loose canon

Taking an Unpopular Stance

We like to have fun here at the Benji Blog, but every now and again it becomes imperative for me to voice my opinion on an important issue. What I'm writing about today is something that lies very near to my heart and, unfortunately, it's an opinion that none of even my closest family or friends share. I have yet to find even a single person in any of my social circles who feels the same way I do. I am truly alone in this world.

In an attempt to help you the reader see this issue my way, I first want to paint you a picture. Suppose you were the heir to a large sum of money and an empire at a young age. Suppose that your good looks and charisma had given you celebrity status - along with its fame and the ability to be easily recognized in a crowd. Try to think of people who might fit this description - perhaps Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump.

Now suppose that for whatever reason, you wanted to go about secretly doing good things and stopping bad things from happening. You are so driven by your cause that you even break the law from time to time. You are, in fact, a vigilante, so naturally you don't want anyone to recognize you. A disguise would only make sense. Picture that time that Tyra put on a fat suit and was appalled at how mean people were to her. (No, I don't watch Tyra, but I happened to see part of that one).

Ok, so there you are, a celebrity in disguise and a vigilante out to change the world, and it comes time for you to interact with someone. How are you going to talk? In your normal voice? The one that people know really well from all those times you've been on TV? Really? Good luck with that. You'll be outed in your first month.

Or, would you perhaps try to disguise your voice? If so, why not try to use a voice that somehow compliments what you are wearing?

Mad props to Christopher Nolan for making Batman yell every time he speaks, and mad props to Christian Bale for doing it. The Bat-Voice was exactly the way it should have been. Honestly, If I were suddenly grabbed by a great big bat-like person and instantly zipped to the top of a tall building, and then that man was growling at me - I wouldn't stop and think "Hey, that's just cheesy..." No, I'd probably pee my pants and so would you. At a time when adrenaline is pumping through your body and all your senses are heightened, the experience would be burned into your memory. Had Bruce Wayne used his normal voice, the next time you heard him on TV you would instantly know it.

One thing I learned in film school (which is what I call the film class I took in regular school) is that the true way to measure the quality of a movie is in its believability. The Bat-Voice makes the Bruce Wayne/Batman character seem more real and therefore more believable, whereas a regular voice would only make the scenario less plausible.


By the way, Christian Bale lost his voice three times during the filming of Batman Begins. That's dedication.

Introducing Crutch Boy: the Superhero with Crutches

At some point in every man's life, he needs to come up with his own original Superhero. This one is mine, loosely based on myself.


I first thought of this idea several years ago. For those of you who don't know me personally, I've been through a total of 5 knee surgeries. My condition is another story for another time, but suffice it to say it wasn't an injury and I currently have an important knee-part that used to belong to someone else. All but one of my surgeries required 6-8 weeks on crutches as well as a significant amount of time in physical therapy. At the age of 24, I had spent over 2% of my life on crutches.

Those of you who have had similar experiences can appreciate that crutches become an integral part of your life - almost an extension of you. They go with you everywhere you go, including your dreams. You learn to become an expert in using them not only for getting around, but for other things as well. On more than one occasion I've missed my crutches. One example is that with them I could easily reach the light switch from the bed. Without them I have to get up and take a few steps. This background should help you understand where I'm coming from with my superhero: Crutch Boy.

After jotting down my ideas, I quickly realized that I can't fit all the aspects of this hero into one post. For now I will introduce you to Crutch Boy's key feature: his crutches. You'll notice in the illustration above that with them, he can fly.

Here's a more detailed view of everything Crutch Boy's crutches allow him to do:



The colors are just for the illustration. They're actually much more discreet and look like any other set of crutches to the casual observer.

The two crutches are slightly different. Both are equipped with little rocket boosters that enable flight, as well as hollow chambers to store the jet fuel. The throttle is near the handle and responds roughly the same as the throttle on an ATV or dirt bike. Not just anybody can pick up these bad boys and fly - the control and balance require the upper body strength that only comes with having spent years walking around with crutches. Also, Crutch Boy has the option of using the jet fuel as a makeshift Rocket Propelled Grenade. He just has to swivel the end around so the rocket booster is facing him. He must use discretion in using this because once the RPG is gone, he obviously can't use that crutch for flying.

Both crutches also have a main weapon that fires a sort of souped-up tranquilizer. There isn't a needle - it works by blasting micro pellets into the skin like a shotgun to allow quicker absorption, but without doing any permanent damage. It instantly paralyzes the enemies (notice the irony) rendering them incapable of any movement for specified amount of time. One of the crutches also has a pop-out scope and is capable of firing long distance tranquilizer darts.

Both also have retractable claws. I'm sure they'll come in handy.

The main difference between the two crutches is the alternative weapon. One will be equipped with a compact version of the Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) and the other will have a mini Electro-Magnetic Pulse gun (EMP). Not sure what those are? Check out these videos from the Discovery Channel's "Future Weapons." Here is the LRAD demo and here is the EMP demo. Pretty flippin' sweet.

The LRAD (pronounced "el-rad") continues with the ironic weaponry theme. Set to a certain power, the noise becomes so excruciating that the enemy is forced to cover his ears with his hands, thus he essentially loses the use of his arms. This is also a really spiffy ninja weapon because it can cause sound waves to bounce of of nearby surfaces and thus Crutch Boy can confuse his enemy. It's like a really effective way of throwing your voice or any other sound effect. If you didn't click to watch the video, go back and do it because it's seriously awesome, as is just about everything else on the Discovery Channel.

I chose the EMP because it's 2009, and to be an effective thug, you need to have at least some technological savvy. Many of Crutch Boy's foes will rely on gadgets, and an EMP can disable any electronic gadget.

So there you have it! Stay tuned to learn more about Crutch Boy, including the story of his origin and a list of his arch-enemies. One of these days I'll even get around to writing specific episodes. Here are a few parting thoughts:

• Don't anybody steal my idea. All my blog followers are witnesses that I thought of it first.
  
• Feedback is welcome. Specifically, I don't really like the name "Crutch Boy" but I don't know what else to call him. Maybe the comments section can be a "name the Super-hero" contest. Winner gets a credit in the movie.
  
• If you couldn't already tell, I need an illustrator. This is an open invitation to anyone. Just contact me and we'll get to work on our first comic book. If not, I'll figure it out.